"How could you write something like that?"
That's how "Emily" started our lunch. They were her first words even before "hi" or "it's good to see you," which she never did get around to saying. I knew immediately which "something like that" she had in mind. Ordinarily it might be presumptuous to assume my friend could only be referring to my new blog, but over the weekend I'd gotten so much feedback on "Let me tell you a love story" that it seemed unlikely Em could be referring to anything else. In addition to the people who took the time to comment here, the emails to my Yahoo and college accounts totaled more than a dozen.
"Em, what did I really say? You knew how my Grandma and Grandpa were."
Okay, I was baiting her. It's true that Emily and I have been friends for most of my 23 years, and she'd spent a good deal of time at my grandparents' house when we were both growing up. It's also true that she'd even commented on occasion about the wonderful marriage Lena and Hal still had "after all this time." But Em is one of those "friends in Women's Studies" I talked about earlier, so I knew she wasn't concerned with the part about my grandparents and their marriage. She was concerned about what came after that. What I made of it all.
"You know what I'm talking about, 'Lis," she said bitterly. "And to make it your first real post the way you did! It's like you were purposely trying to slap us in the face."
The "us," of course, would be Em's feminist friends from her Women's Studies classes. She'd be quick to tell you that the actual name is Gender Studies, even though the gender they're really studying is women, and the way they mostly study women is in terms of how much men have oppressed them. That's my impression based on everything that filters back to me.
"I don't understand why you're acting like this is some big news flash," I told her. "You know how I feel about the way things are today with dating and relationships and all. We've talked about this a hundred times."
"Yes, but those were personal feelings, expressed in a personal setting. You made it public and political."
"Political?"
"Oh, and then you had to put that afterthought where you mentioned feminists by name. Don't you realize how bad it looks for a young woman, a college woman, to say such things? When did you become Rush Limbaugh? Frankly, I found it offensive."
So that was my lunch with my friend. I let her do most of the talking the rest of the way, hoping she would let off steam and feel better. That didn't happen. I was surprised she didn't get around to accusing me of wanting us all to end up barefoot and pregnant. We did manage to work our way into other topics by the end of it, but the atmosphere never got much nicer or more comfortable. Certainly not the way it usually is when Emily and I get together.
It would be ridiculous, and yes, offensive for any woman to discount the role feminism has played in the opportunities and privileges we women take for granted today. I know that I owe a great debt. And I'm not just saying that to say it. I am a woman, after all! I'm well aware of how things were for us as a gender fifty years ago. At the same time I'm aware of other things that were a certain way fifty years ago. And they were better, in my opinion. I think I'm within my rights as a person and a woman to speculate on the role feminists may have played in bringing about those things, too. The intentions were good, but there were areas where feminists overreacted and led us astray. The idea that a woman should express her equality by being able to have sex with anybody at any time and feeling nothing about it is not necessarily a positive development, just because it's "like what men have done, so we're entitled to do likewise." Maybe men are wrong to think that way in the first place. Did that ever occur to anyone?
The larger issue is that we should be able to disagree on things like this without writing each other off as people. There should be room for honest dissent without the true believers making those who don't buy the whole gospel out to be traitors. I always thought true feminism was about being accepted first and foremost as individuals. As unique people with unique feelings and ideas, not just as Women.
I know this post isn't going to make things any better, "Em." It just needs to be said.
Monday, October 02, 2006
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15 comments:
"There should be room for honest dissent without the true believers making those who don't buy the whole gospel out to be traitors."
Alyssa -
Haven't been listening to many political speeches these last few years, have you? It appears that the social rule of the day (decade) is to vilify anyone who doesn't perfectly parrot and support a given ideology. Liberal and conservative have become derogatory adjectives, rivaling our most cherished curse words for sheer animosity.
Of course, this isn't anything particularly new. As a kid in the 50's, it was "common knowledge" that anything not reeking of apple pie, motherhood, and the flag was a manifestation of a vast communist plan to destroy our nation.
Then came the 60's, where a guy's value as a human being - much less, a citizen - was determined by the length of his hair. After a period of great tumult, the more "enlightened" individuals and groups revelled in their apparent victory over backwardness, only to begin their own slide down the slippery slope of judgmentalism. And nowadays, our political arena has become little more than a place to posture and preen for whatever group represents a constituency, while alienating any who fall outside that narrow demographic.
In spite of all the tumult, a real friend will remain a friend, despite our failure to completely agree with them. My dearest friend is a conservative Republican, while I am more of a centrist independent. We disagree on many details, but never to the point where either of us feels rejected or judged by the other. Of course, it helps that we are both in our 50's, and are past the point of wasting an important friendship on something as transitory as ideas we may or may not agree upon. Plus, we both place great value in the words of Oscar Wilde, who wrote that "Life is too important to be taken seriously."
Alyssa, I hope you don't lose your friend either. But if you do, perhaps one day down the road she will wake up and realize that friendship is far more important than ideology.
I was in high school when I first "discovered" feminism. The high that came from that discovery -- or, more accurately, the adrenalin rush that came from my righteous anger at centuries of oppression -- was not a fleeting thing. It actually stayed with me for a few years.
But eventually I mellowed. Over the years, I learned that I was missing out on a lot of friendships and experiences because I was so afraid of being, for want of a better term, ideologically impure. I did not consciously use that term, but I was guided by it nonetheless. I also realized I was missing out on many intriguing works of literature because some feminist somewhere had declared them sexist.
In other words, I reached a point where maintaining my ideological purity got in the way of living my life. And frankly, staying angry all the time is just too much work.
The "new wave" of feminism that started in the early 1970s has indeed contributed many things of value to our society. But it seems that for every gain, there is a loss. I think you have eloquently written about some of those losses, and I hope you continue to do so.
I'm not anti-feminist, and certainly not pro-Rush (heaven forbid). But I have learned that making everything political is no way to a fulfilling life. And I find it very interesting -- amazing, even -- that, more than 35 years after that first passionate wave of neo-feminism, "the sisterhood" in academic circles is still so angry and defensive. The more things change...
I think it's which campus you're on, as far as the feminist thing. Some of the eastern urban schools are very much that way, as well as some of the larger state schools, Wisconsin and Berkeley good examples. I have traveled a lot and been involved with various college administrations and the climate on the campuses I mention above is very radical-chic still today. But I actually went to NYU, which I assume Alysa is referring to, and I am a woman as well and didn't see the gender tension there that she writes about. Maybe it's just her friends, or maybe it's something that says more about her and her attitudes than about what's going on on campus?
Given the tone of the dialog we've had so far, I doubt that Alyssa's attitudes have incited the kind of snobbery she has encountered, and can't help but notice that "anonymous'" assumption is consistent with another poster's typically negative responses to Alyssa. Kinda makes you go hmmmm...
I've seen the demand for ideological purity while attending two separate schools, but it was limited to specific groups, rather thanbeing a widespread attitude, common to all students. Even at UC Berkeley, where the "righteous" were greatly encouraged, the smugly righteous were very much in the minority.
You have not lost a friend, Alyssa. You know how I feel about you. I was upset the other day b/c I found myself in the position of constantly having to defend you against what others were saying, and also going against my own feelings in so doing.
In the future I would only hope you'd give more thought to the overtones of the things you say, and the awkwardness you potentially create for some of us who have to deal with the waves you make. Not everything that's worth saying is worth saying in public.--Your friend now and always, "Emily"
Whew... A little pressure from a "friend" there, eh, Alyssa? After all, what are friends for, if not to pressure us to censor our discussions so as not to disagree with them or put them in the position of having to justify ideas they don't necessarily share?
I would hope that eventually, your "friend" will achieve a level of maturity sufficient to allow her peers to disagree with her, sans the need to still their voices.
Hang in there Alyssa :)
It's tough when your friends don't agree, and I give you a lot of credit for describing the love and the life you do want, rather than jumping on the bandwagon of "I'm fine without a man...or without a commitment...really!" that so many sources purporting to help women encourage. It's okay to want an awesome marriage, and I think you're right - the sex thing has not been such a great deal for us. The truth is, if friends are upset by what you wrote, they upset pretty easily, and there's not much you can do to change that except to keep loving them.
Thanks to all for supporting me while realizing I'm in an awkward spot. It's a cliche, but we do the best we can, I guess. :)
To be really blunt, I would not place too much value or trust in a "friend" who demanded that I only proffer viewpoints with which she councurred.
And I have a real problem with people who choose to make serious (and legally slanderous) accusations about another, while hiding behind a veil of anonymity. Though I don't claiom to know Steve well enough to dispute the claims the last poster has made, it is my inclination to give him the benefit of the doubt. I cannot imagine anyone with even a modicum of intelligence taking anonymous' claims seriously. Anyone who puts themselves out in front of the public opens themselves up to responses from all kinds of people, many of whom will attempt to destroy the reputation of someone who has done something that is beyond their (the detractor's) abilities. While such may not be the case with "anonymous," such stealth defamation certainly fits the M.O..
Whether or not anon's accusations have any merit -- and if they do not, I would say she has indeed committed libel -- this blog is hardly the appropriate forum for such matters. I guess the "new school" is to air dirty laundry whenever and wherever one gets a chance to do it. (Alyssa, I think you need to moderate your blog!)
As for Alyssa coming down so hard on acd, I don't think she came down nearly so hard as she could have. I thought that acd's first comment to Alyssa's previous post was a little on the condescending side.
However, after Alyssa responded to that post, acd followed with this: "I apologize for not having been blessed with the positive examples you all have been in regards to successful marriages. We can only judge the world based on what we see and experience, and that is what I have done here. Believe me--I don't get any satisfaction out of pessimism. I sincerely wish I could see things the way the rest of you do, but I can't. If I could, it would certainly make life more worthwhile."
I guess I'm an ASS too, anon, but I inferred from that comment that acd has observed more than her share of lousy marriages.
As I noted earlier, I actually agree with acd on many points. I really do not idealize the past. I am more than a bit cynical about many things. But I am willing to give Alyssa's version of her grandparent's love story the benefit of the doubt. I'm sure the couple had rough times when they wondered if it was all worth it. But they stuck together, and it seems that fewer couples are willing to do that these days.
I enjoy Alyssa's writing, and she did raise some issues worth thinking about. And, as she noted in her most recent post, the larger issue is that friendship should be able to survive disagreements. ("Em," I don't know why you felt so pressured to defend Alyssa, when Alyssa is apparently quite capable of doint that herself.)
I think it's sad that a sweet love story had to open up such a can of worms. But Alyssa, I hope this doesn't discourage you from writing -- and blogging.
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